Joy and Spending

Yesterday was a good day--a rainy-stay-inside-day. The girls did word-searches, mazes, lots of playing pretend and art. Carolyn wanted to learn to knit.

She's doing pretty well. She's a pretty patient learner, so that helps.

I also walked around outside during a dry moment when D was sleeping and came upon a broken chair in the alley left for trash. It had some beautiful parts that I want to try to keep and turn into something...we'll see.
To quickly wrap up last month's journey--here's the summary. I first wanted to be careful that the "it's not enough" thought was not some latent religious guilt that can somehow seep into the lives of imperfect people trying to live a life pleasing to a perfect God. I truly don't think that was it. I think that God was trying to call me to more.

Imagine journeying to a stunning range of mountains, standing at the foothills, looking up, saying, "that's nice," and going home. I feel like my life and my role in expressing God's love for all people everywhere--especially the vulnerable and suffering--can either remain an insulated, arm's length experience or I can start to shed all the things that hold me back and start to climb that mountain. To really touch and experience a life in connection with the hurting and provide some kind of meaningful response is what I believe "it's not enough" was saying to me. I shouldn't just stand there, even shed tears or make a small gesture of response where there's so much more I can do.

Isaiah 58 is a sweeping and deeply challenging passage for me. The one phrase that echos in my heart is "...if you will spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry..." Spend myself.

It just happened that at the height of this internal processing, Adam and I had a big discussion on what more we can do to aggressively get out of debt. He was so excited for how much more we could give to the many needs close by and around the world. I gulped hard. I wanted at least some of that extra money for home improvements and to give a little bit of breathing room in our budget...Sure, I want to give, love to give, but I felt that all my sacrificing entitled me to some long-awaited improvements and repairs.

I've also sort of had this reawakening of desire to create--sewing, knitting, photography. This creates another internal battle. Do I spend money and time on these things when there are other pressing needs? How can I justify these things? I live in a culture that says I'm entitled to do what makes me feel good (and those things do make me feel good). Is there more here?

Without a reasonable justification, I tend toward an all or nothing approach to hobbies/art. As in, if it doesn't make money compared to what I'm spending on it or if I'm mediocre at it, then it's not a justifiable use of time/money. Honestly I don't think I buy my own argument in my heart or I wouldn't keep returning to these things, but I return with hesitation and a measure of guilt. That's no fun. :)

This is where I'd love to hear from you. I think there's a meaningful dialogue that can take place if you'd be brave enough to weigh in. Thank you, in advance for your thoughts.