"It's not enough"

Do you remember on Field of Dreams when the voice whispers, "If you build it he will come."? Do you remember the frustrating and agitating experience of the characters as they try to figure out what that means and if they will follow the voice and take some risks or ignore it?

About a month ago I was continuing to ask God the question, "What's next?" and my anticipation was continuing to build...toward what...I didn't know.

The tragedies in Burma/Mayanmar and China really deeply impacted my heart. The injustice and pain of vulnerable people and the deep helplessness I was feeling to respond to their need weighed heavily on me. I remember crying as I was making dinner one night listening to NPR do a story on a mother and father of a nearly 2 year old boy who took the first 2 days after the earthquake to find some kind of equipment to excavate a building. The building was an apartment where the mother had left her son in the arms of his grandparents so she could go to work. 10 minutes later the earth was shaking and the building collapsed on them all. Two days of desperation, determination, holding out impossible hope, fighting the what-ifs that will never stop, literally pushing this huge piece of equipment through the chaotic streets of the city. The mother did what I would do: she climbed up on the building as the machine was working on the walls--trying to get as close as she could to those she loved. They died together trying to get out. All were touching--the grandfather holding the baby, the grandmother's arm on her husband's shoulder. That moment in my safe house with my children alive and playing, my food cooking, my husband on his way home. My life and faith and hope intact. Another woman half way around the world weeping over a loss I can't comprehend. Our tears were mixing as I tried to carry a small fraction of her pain.

The voice: "It's not enough..."
Me: "What?? What does that mean? What's not enough?"

And so it began. I was edgy and unsettled and very quiet and introspective. I was probably not a lot of fun to be around--thankfully my family is gracious.

I try to blog when I have a thought or an experience or picture to share. All month I've had nothing. No pictures. No words.

Clarity is slowly coming. The challenge now is to try to put it into words in some way. I'm still wrestling with that, so I'll try to share with you all in small pieces.

More tomorrow.