Feelin' it

I've become more intentional lately about making time to be still, listen, write, and read. One of the themes in several of the books I've read or am reading is to let yourself feel. It seems sort of obvious or odd to have to spend time on that topic when it should be one of our most natural behaviors.

Through my kids, I can see the other end of the spectrum. Kids can "see" and feel and feel and function in a completely imaginary world. Their imaginary realities deeply affect their physical reality. We make a seat for the imaginary friend. We hide from the pretend tiger. We dance with the imaginary prince. They slowly move from being surrounded by wonder to becoming deeply aware of the simple physical reality around them. Imagination can fade; emotions tempered to what's real and what's "pretend." Slowly, I find myself not feeling much about my realty and forgetting how to pretend, how to imagine, how to play.

Exercising with a DVD recently, I heard the instructor say, "Feel everything there is to feel with the motion." Feel everything. That's what I try not to do. It would open a can of worms! It would make me too vulnerable, make me even more "high maintenance" that I already am! :)
The hardest thing about feeling, wanting, and dreaming as an adult is the stinging possibility of denial. So we deaden our hearts. Numb ourselves with television, sports, office politics, the weather. Constant droning to silence our hearts. Drown out the voices. We put it off. "One day...maybe when I retire...when the kids are in school...when I have more time."

I'm letting myself feel everything there is to feel. I came close to the emotional cliff and peered over. But I backed away and am on more steady ground. (Long story.) I cry a little more often. I laugh with my kids a lot more often. My house is a little messier. But I know what I want. I know how I feel and what I think. I am letting myself do the things that I've always wanted to try but put off for another day. I feel more myself. More alive. More aware of my limitations and more willing to try and see what happens. I'm less afraid of failure (just a tiny bit less afraid--still more work to do there, I guess). I just don't want to spend my life not living.

I'm in a good place of trying and doing. I just wanted to share that with you. It's been a year since I started this blog. Thank you for being part of this journey with me. I so appreciate your thoughts and comments and support. I'm looking forward to what the road ahead holds for us.

Here are some pictures of my kids--my inspiration and motivation to live well and to live fully present.